made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
