Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
