decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
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Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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