I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
