I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
