He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
