the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
