i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
