Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
