$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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