well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
