you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i think my mom watched the whole time
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
