Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
