my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
whose parrot is this?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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