I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
