i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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