4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
