He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
