Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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