just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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