oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
