"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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