cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
