Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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