i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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