I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
