I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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