they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
