Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
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i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
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This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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