i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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