Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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