Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
