Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
