I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
