i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
