No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
