Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
These tits shall not be calmed
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
