Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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