so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
