Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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