Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
