I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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