dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
