thus making me awesome and them whores
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
