My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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