just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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