I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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