I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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