dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
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How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
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Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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