yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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