Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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