This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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